What's up NFC North? You hear that sound?
No, not the sound of premature ejaculations on some boat on Lake Minnetonka. No, not the sound of thousands of simultaneous bong hits being lit in what’s left of downtown Detroit. No, not the sound of Chris Berman saying "FROZEN TUNDRA" in his pathetic Facenda voice for the 9 zillionth time. No. That sound you hear is the sound of fear. Oversized, tighty whitey briefs drenched in packer urine yellow fear. Yeah, that's right... I said it.
There's a storm cloud moving over the North and its acid raining Navy Blue and Orange. The kind that burns like a Tarik Cohen punt return. Flesh to skull in under 4.7 seconds... the same amount of time it takes a man to get his ass dumped by a bull named Fu-Man Chu. A storm named the Chicago Bears. The Bears are so fierce Sun Tzu returned from the dead to write a sequel, based on Matt Nagy’s strategy.
Perhaps you’ve heard this before but just in case you didn’t know….. The Bears defense will punch you in your stupid face!
Kirk Cousins knows. The Bears reside in Kirk Cousins’ nightmares... even while he’s awake. And can you blame him? Hell, Eddie Goldman once turned an offensive guard into Spongebob Squarepants with one casual glance of curiosity. Akiem Hicks is a bad, baba ba baaaaaaaad man. He’ll hit you like a Jesse Ventura body slam on steroids mixed with cocaine and a crack chaser. But he doesn't wear a pink boa. Speaking of politics, did you know that Eddie Jackson is a Nigerian Prince? He hasn’t sent you any emails but he is about to negotiate a large export of pick six pain to Green Bay, Detroit, and Minnesota.
Speaking of Detroit and Minnesota, is there a reason these pansies can’t play in the elements like the winterized, snow-chain crapping, mercury sipping, teflon sweating, anodized, rust-proof Chicago Bears? Is it the same reason Aaron Rodgers dresses like a 60s porn star and packfans wear skirts to Chicago Bears message boards? Don’t answer that, it’s a rhetorical question.
Then there's the toughest SOB this side of Thor. Khalil Mack. Khalil doesn't just tackle men. Khalil Mack folds time space into subatomic particle crushing wormholes. Khalil Mack has been to the Pro Bowl so many times that Hawaii thinks he’s their native son. There is nowhere to hide, Khalil Mack is coming for you biatches!
Here's a new secret; The Bears offense. They will punch your stupid face too! Mitch Trubisky is a statistical complexity so intense that computers get the Y2K bug all over again when analyzing his numbers. A Trubisky bomb once caused a small village of Aboriginal Australians to think the Sun had been devoured by a water dragon and life on Earth was about to end. Trubisky TD passes are so precisely accurate that we now set our clocks to Biscuit Mean Time.
We can go on and on about the Chicago Bears.....Some you’ve yet to even see play. Eddie Pineiro round houses kicks through the uprights like Chuck Norris kicking a cyclops between the eye. David Montgomery blows through tackles like the Detroit Lions blow through coaches. You might want to watch the Bears O-Line as well; if Matt Stafford had a line like that in front of him he might get to bore us for another 9 years. Men react to the sight of Kyle Long the same way Matt Patricia reacts to the sight of a library. James Daniels has two first names and two second names at the same time, like two incredibly tough words strung together - like Nuclear War.
So you better buckle your chin straps NFC North, in fact the whole NFC, better yet, the whole damn NFL! You better hide your woman and children cause they come-un for ya. These Chicago Bears are King of the North, the ultimate bringers of doom, devastation, destruction and domination. Deadly distractions brought by a demon-wind defecating Booyahness. Man-eating, fire breathing, atom-smashing men of so many superlative adjectives that even Japanese game show hosts can’t adequately describe their kick-ASS-ocity.
The Chicago Bears own you - Prepare for battle Bitches!